Divorce mediation is a process that allows the parties to sit down together in a safe place with a third party to discuss their future apart. The divorce mediator does not act as an attorney, although many attorneys are mediators. The mediator does not represent either of the parties in the divorce, but rather acts as an impartial third party who works with both of them to come to a solution to the question, "Who gets what?" The "what" could be custody of the minor children, the family dog or material assets and property.

Although mediation is not therapy, many times there are therapeutic side effects for the couple as a result of honest and open communication in an atmosphere of dignity, respect and safety. This is a direct benefit of mediation that can never be duplicated in a courthouse setting.

In January of 1976, an Amendment was passed bringing "No Fault Divorce" to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Interestingly enough, since that date the rise in divorces granted in Massachusetts has increased significantly. Prior to that time, parties had to have grounds(real or imagined) in order to obtain a divorce. Often, the individual bringing the action was forced to stand in front of a Judge and lie about his or her marriage. This did nothing to alleviate an already volatile situation.

Faced with accusations of various forms of physical torment(cruel and abusive treatment), sexual betrayal(adultery), sexual inadequacy(impotency), or drug/alcohol abuse(gross and confirmed habits of intoxication/drug abuse), the spouse hearing these allegations, perhaps for the first time and in an open courtroom, was faced with two options: 1) Admit to the allegations, or 2) Fight back.

Option 2 was usually picked and the battles began. Several years and many thousands of dollars later, the couple appeared before a Judge to be divorced. Typically they hammered out an agreement neither one wanted, neither one felt was fair, and at least one of them had no intention of living up to. Even worse than coming to such an agreement, was not coming to an agreement, leaving their future up to the discretion of a Judge. Often neither party was happy with the outcome and immediately upon the entry of the Judge's decision, an appeal was taken and both parties were forced to endure at least another year of legal maneuvering and additional legal fees.

With the advent of No Fault Divorce, couples could simply admit they had grown apart, had different lifestyles, goals and ambitions. They had an idea of what they wanted to leave the marriage with and what they wanted for their children's future. Somewhere between the kitchen table negotiations and the Courthouse, what could have and should have been an amicable parting turned into war. While not all lawyers aim to keep the ball rolling, many lose sight of whose divorce it really is, often becoming engaged in verbal warfare and legal maneuvering with the other side. As the games continue, fees add up, often costing the couple more money than he or she can afford, money that should have been earmarked for college expenses for the children or to pay off some long overdue marital bills. Also, many times the parties become caught up in the game playing and lose sight of whatthey are really looking for -- an amicable parting.

I have found that divorce mediation offers a different and unique approach to the traditional contest. It allows the parties involved in the process of divorce to "control" the decisions that will have a long-range, often life-long impact on their family, their finances and their very lives. While divorce is a traumatic and expensive process, divorce mediation is significantly less expensive and less painful. After all, it is the family that knows better than anyone else what is best for its members. With the help of a mediator, the parties are allowed to establish their goals and create a custom designed Separation Agreement with provisions that meet both partners' needs. A mediator assists the couple to separate their spousal role, which is ending, from their parental role, which is ongoing.